For some reason, the humans took my food away last night! Woke up this morning and got stuck in a plastic box with tiny little windows, only to emerge in a strange white room. Then everything went black. Suddenly I came to, and I was missing….. something crucial….. Later, the humans explained to me that I had been “neutered”! I guess the world is now my oyster, and I can have many girlfriends (without worrying about kitten support). I guess this “neutering” thing ain’t so bad after all!
But let me tell you, waking up after that little procedure was an experience. One minute, I was dreaming of chasing a particularly plump bird, and the next, I was groggily staring at a cone strapped to my head like some kind of medieval punishment device. The betrayal! The indignity! The itchiness! I tried to give the humans my best I-will-haunt-you-in-your-sleep glare, but all they did was coo at me and call me a “brave boy.” Brave? Please. I am a warrior, a survivor, a feline of great dignity—except when I tried to jump onto the couch and immediately miscalculated my trajectory. (Blame the drugs, not my impeccable athleticism.)
Now, as I recover from this most egregious violation, I must admit, things aren’t all bad. The humans are treating me like royalty, offering me extra cuddles and—most importantly—serving up premium wet food as some sort of pathetic peace offering. I suppose I could hold a grudge, but why waste my energy when there are sunbeams to nap in and furniture to shred? So, here I am, a wiser, sleeker, and slightly lighter tomcat, ready to embrace my new destiny. No distractions, no kitten drama, just me, my kingdom, and an endless supply of belly rubs (on my terms, of course).
